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Months passed, and Bill’s work schedule changed: swing shift, 3pm to midnight. Not only that, but he fell into the habit of closing the local bars with work buddies, putting him home in the wee-small hours of the morning, with just enough time to pass out, sleep it off, and get up again just in time to leave for work. Predictably, Cathy became lonely. She started dropping by my apartment in the afternoons, almost as soon as Bill would leave for work. She’d usually bring her infant son. One day when he cried, Cathy turned to me with an anxious look: “Jim, I’m really enjoying our visit, but he’s hungry… I hope you don’t mind…” And simple as that, she pulled one strap down over her shoulder, pulling her dress down to expose a naked breast. And cradled her son to suckle it. Right there on my couch, in my living room. Now I realize that this was a completely innocent and natural act: mother feeding son. But I’m not the least bit ashamed to admit: that same night, I masturbated myself to. The words began to flow as she wrote about her need to be allowed to be who she was. She hoped Gary was the kind of guy who could handle her insecurities. She then wrote about her need to feel safe in his company, and her need to learn. Not only from her mistakes, but from his example. She swallowed as she imagined lying over his lap to be spanked. Her hands shook as she admitted to feeling a strong need to be guided, and if necessary, punished. She didn’t want to be punished. But she felt she needed to know that he would punish her, if he felt it were necessary. She also felt a strong need to be forgiven for her errors once corrected. She didn’t need snide comments or to be reminded of things she’d done wrong when she’d learnt the lesson. Elaine thought it would insult her intelligence, but she didn’t write that. She knew Gary was smart enough to understand her meaning. To finish with, she talked about her need for consistency in his treatment of her, and of course, her need.
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